Houston Airport
I have been stuck for two months now, not knowing how to write this post. I am currently in the States, having come home to network and fundraise for the organization that I am working for in Nicaragua. It has been a successful and invigorating two months, but as I sit here in the airport, literally hours away from returning to my “home away from home” (aka Latin America) I am struck by a mix of contradictory emotions, including wanting to both stay and go at the very same time.
Anyone who has lived in and been touched by the Latin American culture will know exactly what I’m talking about. The pull that this part of the world has on us is inexplicable. It doesn’t leave our systems and no matter how many times we may get frustrated with the realities of living in it, there is something that always calls us back. My problem is that despite feeling like it will always be a part of me, I am not, and never will be, entirely a part of it. And despite feeling like I can appreciate the complexities of the culture (the beauty, the love and the tragedies), I will also always have the perspective (some might call it the ‘luxury’) of being a native-born Norteamericana.
For the past couple months friends have been asking me if I am having reverse culture shock. And to be honest, I wasn’t. Until, of course I walked into Whole Foods. I was overwhelmed. I wanted everything. And then I immediately felt guilty for wanting everything. And the more time I spent in there, the more crazed I felt: all the colors, the number of product choices, the piles and piles of perfect produce. This is why Americans are crazy, I thought. We have way too many choices, and we are denied nothing. These are the moments when those of us who have traveled through the developing world understand why others often resent our way of life. It is ridiculous. But on the other hand I can’t deny that I like having choices.
These dramatic differences in culture are what make my dual life both appealing and problematic at the same time. I can understand and enjoy the best of both worlds. I can also be empathetic towards people who don’t. But it is bit like I have one foot in the door and one out, never being truly settled in either place. I am having a hard time balancing my two realities while carving out my spot in the world. The U.S. is my home home, but it doesn’t quite feel like it anymore. I am en route to Nicaragua and in some ways I cannot wait to get there. But despite really loving my job, my new friends and my adoptive families, there are so many things that I will always miss from my life here, including all the options and the piles of perfect produce at Whole Foods. Friends and family, who have always been a part of my U.S. life, will never really be a part of my Nicaraguan life, and vice versa. And therefore, neither will ever genuinely understand me. At times this can feel awfully lonely.
It is difficult to know how to reconcile this double life. I would like to be able to end this post with the confidence that someday my two worlds will mesh. In fact, I don’t know that they will. But what I can say is that I do believe that the people I have met, the emotions I have felt, the lessons I have learned and the personal growth I have experienced through it all, make every minute of discomfort and confusion worth it.
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I am so happy I stumbled upon this blog. I am from Montana, but have been living in Mexico for the past three years. I am about to move back to the states to go back to school, and so many different things are running through my mind. How will I readjust to the stress? The consumerism? I have a lot of anxiety about these things sometimes, and am trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the change. I know it will take a long time to feel normal again. And I will always, always come back to Mexico… it is in my soul.
Thanks for all your supportive comments. Andrea – I like your perspective. I feel lucky to be able to live this kind of beautiful life and I think that more people should be less afraid of the complexities that it creates. Although it can feel lonely at times, it is also incredibly liberating.
Ah, I remember when I first started living between Mexico and the U.S. and I felt the exact same way. I almost drove myself crazy trying to figure out “where I belonged,” until one day I simply had to accept that both countries, the traveling between them, and all the mixed emotions, experiences, and choices ARE my life. I don’t feel that I have 2 lives anymore, but that I have one life that is complex and multi-faceted and amazingly difficult and beautiful. Animo! It’ll all come together.
Thanks for this post. I remember coming back to the States after spending three months in Nicaragua, and the first thing I was struck by was how ridiculously – and unnecessarily – shiny the cars looked when I got to my hometown.
I know what you mean about the loneliness. When you come back to the States and people ask “How was Nicaragua?” it seems impossible to answer.
Emily – this is a great post. I’ve been struggling with a lot of the same thoughts as I my time in Ecuador is winding down and I’ll soon be re-immersed in my “other life.” I think for anyone who wants to have a life in multiple countries, there is a fear that you’ll never really belong to either.
I don’t have an answer either – but it’s comforting to hear someone else voicing the same sentiments!